Hi all, out there in this great big world.
It’s been a while. That’s an understatement.
And yet as so much has changed, I still find myself inspired to write again at the wee hours of the morning.
To do a very very brief update on life– I met a guy. And we are dating. It’s the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. Mainly due to challenging and proving to myself that I can not be destructive. I am honest to a fault, but that means no secrets. I have stopped lying out of fear of disappointment. My recent ex turned out to be a complete fraud. He lied from the very beginning and even went so far construed a huge lie to win me back. I kinda got what I deserved. Karma served up what I had sown. I broke up with him because I thought I was still in love with the ex that I dated for almost 2 1/2 years. Turns out I wasn’t still in love, I was simply jealous that some other girl was going to get my happily ever after. It took me a long time to realize that I make my own happily ever after, and that was not one that I truly wanted. I loved the idea of it, but not the actuality of it. That ex has since blocked me off his phone.
But with all of that what inspires me to write so early this morning: the past.
When it is just me alone with my thoughts I think about two things: the past and the future. The life I have lived and the life I have yet to live.
For those who don’t know I love a good sitcom and lately ones surrounded by women have peaked my interest. Of course Hollywood must portray women as successful, but with a turbulant love life or struggle of self-identity. Two dialogues stick out to me: one about the bad pancake and the other about heartbreak.
The bad pancake theory as explained by the show is that similiar to the rebound theory. Just that the bad pancake usually happens after you start dating following a long term relationship. Well let me say that I have had two bad pancakes. I don’t know that I believe in this theory, but I can say that I have experienced it. However, the other dialogue of heartbreak was the one that really touched me. A young woman asked an older woman if dealing with heartbreak gets easier, and her answer was, “With time”. I can most definitely say that I am with an amazing new guy and still heartbreak pains me. I have come to the realization that it is because there are still words unsaid on my part, but also because you do not simply stop caring about someone who was a part of your life for so long. Someone with whom you shared memories, and firsts and milestones. As much as you want to hate them, it’s almost harder. I attempt to treat my ex nicely in hopes that my long term ex will bestow upon me the same gratitude.
Needless to say I will wrap this up by saying- it’s been a while, way too long since I’ve been away, but it’s wonderful to be back! I’ve missed this wonderful feeling of release. So get ready, because release is what I plan on doing and I hope you are ready to catch it all.